Death By Children

My family is different. We live on a different schedule than most families because [My Attorney] is an attorney. I stay at home and cook and clean and yell at the dogs, instead of a mom doing it. A family night consists of us watching Supernatural for three hours or maybe playing a video game. We do a lot of sushi. So it’s no surprise that things go awry on the occasion (hence this blog) and not terribly surprising when, five minutes before school starts, the kid comes out of his room and says: the dogs peed on my shoes.

The kid is growing. He’s almost eyeball to eyeball with me and the other day when I tried to get him to upstairs into the spooky second floor where we store all of our poltergeists and darkness, he flung his arm out to stop me and knocked my 46 year old ass through a window. It was like push, only he was giggling so I couldn’t be mad. We quit charting his growth on the kitchen door frame because we were afraid we’d saw through the joist. His feet are so big, the other day he clipped his toenails and the spent nail flew across the room and broke my collarbone.

SO he walks into this kitchen this morning as I’m scrambling to get out the door and warm up the car and he props a small sport yacht on the counter and says: they pooped on them too.

How and why does a dog drop a deuce on a pair of Nikes? Do they aim? Is it retaliation? Did we do something wrong? Is it dog language that means something, like pardon me, but I’d like a larger water dish, henceforth, my good man, (also: floooooop. There ya go).

I grab my boots, which are slightly oversized, and he plows his gargantuan feet into them and winces and says it’ll be ok, he doesn’t have gym. I tell him, great, get your jacket. He disappears. I hear: they peed on my jacket too.

MERDE!!!

I give him my old man jacket, a slick black windbreaker with an incongruous silver swatch up both sides. He stares at me like I’ve applied lipstick and rouge.

Get your bookbag.

He disappears into his room and suddenly yells something he’s not allowed to say, followed by:

They peed on my bookbag!

I swear to god, I’m having their bladder removed.